SNAFU Turnabout
by Clumsy Ninjable
Summary: Phoenix Wright must prove that the defendant's virginity doesn't place her at the crime scene! A total crack case involving lovable characters and porn! No Citrus Fruits here, and only slight suggestive themes! Have fun, kiddies!


FF: Hey, everyone. I've been playing quite a bit of Phoenix Wright lately, well…mostly Ace Attorney Investigation, so I decided to try my hand at a parody of it. This is a one-shot, meant to be funny, etc, etc. It was originally going to be named Fucked-Up Turnabout, but…whatever. Anyway, I may or may not make more cracked out court-cases. If you want another chapter, just give me a holler! And ideas. I like ideas!

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Edgeworth's argument was convincing; as was the sex tape. If the people in that video where who the witness said they were, the defendant and the victim, then that would indeed place Ms. Virtue at the scene of the crime. But…there was something that didn't quite sit right in Nick's stomach. In fact, he felt that something was extremely rotten in the courtroom, namely the witness' accusation that it was Ms. Virtue in the tape.

"This doesn't seem right, Nick," Maya frowned, having caught the same vibe as the defense attorney. "I mean, sure the tape is really convincing…"

'_It's more than just convincing,'_ Nick shifted uncomfortably. The Judge had insisted that they watch the tape in the courtroom, which had caused a rather…unwanted reaction in the defense. The prosecution, on the other hand, had remained perfectly fine. Again, thoughts of Edgeworth being gay fluttered to his mind, but he quickly beat them back as now was not the time to be pondering his friend's sexuality.

"There has to be something in this tape that proves that that woman was not Ms. Virtue," Nick pondered out loud. "But what…?"

He studied the tape closely, each and ever scene running through his mind. He fought off the mild arousal and began to look at the most random bits. The guy's left shoulder, a tiny piece of dust that was stuck to the camera lens, the base of the accused hairline…

"OBJECTION!" he shouted, pointing his finger epically at Edgeworth. "There is a contradiction in this scene of the porno!"

"Oh?" Edgeworth raised an eyebrow. "Care to point it out?"

'_Now, where was that contradiction in this video?'_ Nick thought to himself as he studied the tape again, having completely forgotten what it was that was contradicting itself. At last he found it. "TAKE THAT!" He cried out as he pointed at the exact spot. "Right there, by her hairline. Do you know what that is?"

"No…NOOOOOOOOOO!" Edgeworth stepped back, his eyes widening. "Th-that can't be!"

"It is! It's a tag!" Nick paused for dramatic effect before slamming his hand down onto the courtroom's bench. He felt epic, like in those animes where they do a close up on the hero's face with all the lines rushing past them to give them the feeling of motion. "That means that that woman's hair isn't real; it's a wig!"

The court room murmured and the judge slammed his gavel a few times.

"What does that mean? Why is it so important that the defendant is wearing a wig?" the Judge asked.

"It means that this isn't the defendant at all!" Nick spoke triumphantly. "As we all know, the defendant's hair is short and blonde. In this video, the woman obviously has long, dark hair. Therefore, the defendant wasn't at the crime scene at all!"

"OBJECTION!" Edgeworth cried from the other side of the room. There was a silence as he pursed his lip and tapped his finger against his forehead. Nick suddenly got a bad feeling; Edgeworth only did that when he was about to bring up a really good point. "How can we be so sure that the defendant did not get her hair cut and dyed after the murder was committed?"

"W-what?" Nick's eyes widened.

"Take a look at this," Edgeworth passed a photograph to the bailiff, who brought it over to the defense. "This is a picture taken shortly before the murder, and in it you can see that the defendant's hair is LONG AND BROWN!"

"NOOOOOOOO!!!" Now it was Nick's turn to stumble back.

"Ms. Virtue, did you get your hair cut after the murder took place?" Edgeworth raised a brow.

The woman nodded sadly. "Yes…I…I did…but…IT WASN'T MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE MEEEEEEEE!!!!"

'_Don't worry, Ms. Virtue,'_ Nick thought with a frown. _'I think I know how to prove that you weren't at the scene of the crime. And this piece of evidence will prove it!'_

He stared at the evidence in front of him for a very long time, shuffling it this way and that, examining it closely…then…eureka! He grinned foolishly and held the paper up for all to see, tapping his hand on the document a few times.

"While the defendant did get her hair cut after the murder, this _proves_ that she wasn't at the crime scene, making that porno nothing more than a male's arousal tool!"

"Well, with everything in this court, you're going to need evidence to back this up," Edgeworth crossed his arms. "Well? Where in this document is Ms. Virtue's innocence proven?"

Nick stared intently at the document for a good long while before a light-bulb flickered on in his head.

"Right here! When she was taken into the emergency room after the car crash, they did a thorough examination of her!" Nick grinned. "And as we proved with the parking ticket and the lawn mower, the car accident took place _after_ the victim was murdered."

"Yes, but how does the time of the car crash pertain to the murder?" Edgeworth looked bored.

"Yes, Mr. Wright, please get to your point," the judge agreed.

"Look, it says right here that 'Upon inspection, Ms. Virtue's hymen is completely intact!' Do you know what that means?!"

"What? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Edgeworth looked startled again.

Maya tugged on Nick's jacket. "Nick, what does that mean? Why is her hymen being intact so important?"

"Because…" he frowned for a moment. _'Wait, why is her hymen being intact important?' _He came up with three options. The first was that having an intact hymen meant that her hair appointment came before the murder, but that wasn't right because she'd admitted to having her hair cut afterward. The second involved the lawn mower, and Nick knew that Edgeworth had proved that the victim _had_ stolen it from his neighbor at three AM in the morning…that left only the third option. "It's important because that means that she's still a virgin!!"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" It was the judge who yelled out this time. "What does that mean? What does that mean?"

Edgeworth looked pissed. "It means that the defendant wasn't at the crime scene. The car crash happened after the murder, meaning that Ms. Virtue's trip to the hospital occurred _after the victim was killed_. If the medical report says that she was a virgin _after_ the carcrash, then she was a virgin _before_ the car crash."

"Wait…I'm confused," the judge frowned.

"Let me clear it all up for you, Your Honor," Nick grinned. "In that video tape, there is clear penetration of the male into the female."

"Right, of course! That was my favorite part!" The judge grinned. "I paid close attention!"

Nick looked a bit aghast. _'I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing!'_ "A-anyway, when a woman loses her virginity, the male's …uh…thingy breaks through the hymen. That can only be done through penetration."

"I see…" the judge scratched his beard. "So to have the hymen intact _after_ the murder was committed means…"

"THE WOMAN IN THAT TAPE IS NOT THE DEFENDANT!" Nick cried out loud, causing everyone to start murmuring.

"But if it's not the defendant, then who is it?" The judge asked after calling the court to silence, even though it didn't really work.

'_I think I have a pretty good idea of who the killer really is. And I'll prove it with THIS piece of evidence!'_

Again, Nick looked long and hard at his evidence before nodding satisfactorily to himself. Yes, this piece would do nicely to prove who the real killer was.

"It's the Lawn Mower!" Nick cried out triumphantly.

"What? The Lawn Mower killed the victim?"

"No!" Edgeworth shook his head. "How could you make such a preposterous claim?"

"Hold on, you didn't let me finish." Nick looked annoyed. "We all know that whoever pushed that lawn mower was, in fact, the murderer; we did a clean sweep of that lawn mower and discovered that the handle was completely wiped of prints. However! Upon closer inspection we found this!" He held up a small whirly gun.

"What is that?" The judge scratched at his beard again.

"It is a prop," Nick began. "It's a space gun that, when you pull the trigger," he did just that, and a popping noise began to fill the room, "it whirls around and pelts those small beads against the glass to make a popping noise, and it lights up. We found it inside of the bag of the lawn mower that holds the grass clippings, and it points to the real murderer!"

"Then who is it? Who murdered the victim?" The Judge seemed flustered.

"It was…IT WAS THE WITNESS! MS. OLDBAG!" Nick pointed epically again.

"What?!" Edgeworth's eyes widened.

"Grr……," yelled Ms. Oldbag. "THAT'S RIGHT! I DID IT! BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN WHAT HE DID TO ME! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE DISRESPECT THAT THAT LITTLE WIPPERSNAPPRE SHOWED ME! HOW DARE HE WALK AROUND ALL NILLY DILLY WITH HIS HEAD FULL OF EYEBALLS! IT'S NOT FAIR! BACK IN MY DAY WE USED TO…."

The scene before you freezes and is thrown into a sepia background. Emerging from the stands of spectators is a lone woman with red hair and glasses. She steps down into the court room, between the prosecution and the defendants, and begins to address you directly.

"That is pretty much the basis of the Phoenix Wright games," she says with a glance towards Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth. "It's basically these two batting around wild accusations and presenting the most random arguments, backed up by even more asinine evidence, and someone coming to the conclusion that the witness is the murderer. At which point, the witness will completely freak out, making strange noises and faces while flailing about, before either passing out or completely admitting to their crimes, their motives, and exactly how they carried it out."

The scene returns to normal, with all of the courtroom chaos spinning around the author. Nick and Maya high-five each other while Edgeworth moodily puts all of his documents into his briefcase. In the mean time, Gumshoe and some other random no-face cop are busy trying to wrestle Ms. Oldbag out of the stand as the Judge declares Ms. Virtue not guilty.

"This is the world of Phoenix Wright," the author continues. "It's a fun world to live in…and if you don't like its random logic, then there is only one thing you can say!"

"OBJECTION!" cried Phoenix Wright, just for the fun of it.


End file.
